To the NBA: Please, for the love of God, get rid of the Slam Dunk Competition

Watching Saturday night’s Slam Dunk competition was like watching a train wreck. But it wasn’t one of those quick ferocious crashes that are over in a matter of seconds. No, it was one of those slow-motion Michael Bay-esque train wrecks, that takes about 50 times longer than it should until everyone watching looks at their watch wondering when it’s going to be over so they can move on with their lives.

It’s bad. I mean really bad. It’s on par with a really bad Adam Sandler movie, or a really good Rob Schneider movie. So how did we get here? When did the NBA’s Slam Dunk competition become as entertaining as a mediocre D-list celebrity? This thing used to be huge. We’re talking Cindy Crawford in her prime huge. Even non-NBA fans would tune in to watch the dunk competition. It wasn’t just a footnote of All-Star weekend; it was the whole damn book. So let’s take a look at what happened to the once great Slam Dunk competition.

The Players

The Slam Dunk competition used to be THE contest to see some of the best and most athletic players in the NBA showoff their ridiculous skills. Just look at this list of competitors from past competitions:

Dominique Wilkins, Michael Jordan, David Thompson, George Gervin, Spud Webb, Clyde Drexler, Vince Carter, Kobe Bryant, Jason Richardson, Brent Barry

The list goes on and on. Point being, you wanted to see these guys throw it down as hard as they could. Dunks were memorable not just because they were spectacular, but because of the players who did them. Dr. J’s Free Throw Dunk, Jordan’s BETTER Free Throw Dunk, 5’7” Spud Webb’s ridiculous performance, Kobe’s between the legs, Carter’s elbow dunk. This was pure athleticism at its best, the crowd was raucous, and more importantly it was just plain FUN to watch. You wanted to see what these guys could do, and how far they could push the limits of a human being dunking a basketball.

Now, the allure is gone; but more importantly the players are gone. If you didn’t watch this year’s Slam Dunk competition, I’ll give you $1,000 if you can guess all 4 participants. Lebron James, you say…no. How bout Dwayne Wade…no. Dwight Howard, Blake Griffin, Derek Rose, Carmelo Anthony. Ha, not even close. Try, Derek Williams, Paul George, Chase Budinger, and Jeremy Evans. That’s a rookie, two second year players, and Chase Budinger, who probably dunked more times in this competition that he has in his 3-year NBA career. Yeah, I’ll be hanging on to that $1,000. How do you even sell tickets around that line-up? The marketing guy who can promote that should win some kind of award. Jeremy Evans ended up winning it with some “OK” dunks I guess, but there lies the next problem with the dunk contest.

The Dunks

The dunks just aren’t that impressive anymore. And it’s not because these guys aren’t athletic or creative, it’s that NOTHING surprises us anymore. Everything has already been done. Seriously, think about it. One of the reasons Wilkins and Jordan and Kobe’s dunks were so memorable was because we hadn’t seen anything like it before. They had the element of surprise, and being able to do things with a basketball that we had never seen before. Now, jumping from the free throw line barely draws a response from the crowd. A Windmill 360 is met with drones; Between the legs…Ho hum, what else you got? And that’s the problem, there isn’t anything else left. There are limits to what the human body can do, and unless they bring out the trampolines and let the players do front flips, ala, NBA JAM style, there’s nothing that will draw the kind of awe and amazement from the crowd that the earlier Slam Dunk competitions did. Unless of course they use some kind of props or rely on over-the-top gimmicks in order to equal the same level of dunkness (I’m christening that word right now) of years past. Speaking of which…

The Gimmicks

I know what you’re thinking, but the props are so creative. Aren’t they so entertaining? Remember last year when Blake Griffin jumped over a car? Remember when Dwight Howard dunked on two basketball courts? Remember when…just stop, right now. They’re gimmicks people. They’re props used to try and create the illusion of something more impressive than it actually is. Seriously, watch Blake Griffin jump over the car again…watch it. Now take away the car and what do you have? A pretty mediocre dunk at best. Hell, watch Griffin’s top 10 in-game dunks…every single one of those is way more impressive than his jumping over the car dunk. It’s just a gimmick, and unfortunately that’s what now defines the Slam Dunk competition. Don’t believe me. These are some of the things that have been used in the past few years in dunk competitions. A car, A cupcake, A plastic basketball court, other players to jump over. This sounds more like a circus act than a dunk contest. What’s next? A player gets hit in the face with a pie by a clown before he slams it home. Is that really better than watching Jordan dunk from the free throw line, or watching Vince Carter do a 360 windmill dunk? We’re one step away from the Slam Dunk competition turning into NBA’s version of David Letterman’s crazy pet tricks. Let’s watch as Chase Budinger tries to dunk while throwing his pet Chihuahua throwing a flaming ring of fire. Participants feel obligated to think of some crazy gimmick in order to entertain the fans and have a chance at winning the dunk contest. Come out and just attempt a regular old-fashioned amazing dunk…you get booed off the court. Watching Jeremy Evans crotch plowing into the back of Roy Hibbert’s head is the reality of the Slam Dunk competition today.

So David Stern, for the love of all that is holy and great about the NBA, get rid of the Slam Dunk competition before Adam Sandler comes out in drag while Gordon Hayward tries to dunk Rob Schneider into a giant basket of chocolate pudding…actually, check that, cancel the competition after this.